Well, it's June.
Sincerely wish that June will be better.
I ended my last day of May with a disappointment.
For the week, I've been working really late. Preparing for the big event which was held on Friday.
Work on Tuesday till 10pm, Wednesday till 12am, while Thursday it was till 2.30am.
In which Friday which was the event and got to be at Holland Village at 7am. So which resulted in two hours of sleep only.
Had an event at St James Church Kindergarten. It was their art camp for K1 and K2. Our role there was to facilitate the art camp and be art educators.
Honestly, I have no faith in myself in doing this job well. What art educator? I'm neither art trained nor trained in teaching and handling a class of students.
I was pinned on hopes by my boss and colleagues. Given the largest class which consist of a good 29 K1 students. I've got to teach them to paint on poles and as well as making of clay for their individual bowls and a basin which was for a fountain.
Pole was the first half of the day, while clay was the second half.
Was thrown into this role without much knowledge of what to do with the poles besides painting vines. Tried to run it well, but the poles ended up really bad. Even the principal of the school came up to me to spoke to me, giving me some comments and advise along with some other art educators which are our part timers. I caused my boss to clean up the poles and got my class to repaint them again. It was that bad. It was demoralizing and upsetting to see my boss doing that. And i seemed to be not able to teach and run the class well. I'm disappointed in myself, so disappointed that I want to give up, I felt like a loser, I just want to break down and cry. I'm just not cut out for anything.
I had no confidence that I'll do well for the second half.
We had a briefing as a whole during lunch break. Being so affected by the incident, i only had a few mouth of my lunch plus my slice of bread I ate in the morning. I asked for help but boss said no, she said she know I can do it. Not wanting to disappoint her any further, I decided to run it well. Built up my confidence and decide to play this second half well.
I did it eventually, but I still can't seemed to forgive myself for ruining things on the first half of the day. The scene when my boss clean up the poles, my heart sank.
Everything ended, the teachers and principal of the school invited all of us up the stage. I was ashamed of myself to even stand up there. Because I ruined things, image of boss and as well as company's name. Although my boss said its not my fault as it was unexpected and we did not had a training on this, I still can't help but to feel guilty for causing her to clean up my mess I've created.
I was too upset and affected by it. The kids being innocent, they still love me even though I'm only there for a day. They kept calling me, making little figurines for me using clay. Running up to me being excited to show me what they have for me. I'm ashamed of myself for being so low and not doing things well.
Upon reaching home, I was exhausted, physically and mentally. Washed up and I slept at 5pm. With an hour of dinner and I went back to sleep for a good 16 hours. But it just never seemed enough to replenish what I've lost the past few days for working so hard and long hours.
Spoke to love and he said I was too hard on myself.
If every fall I face, I put it this hard on myself, I won't be able to move on.
What matters the most is the experience that I had and knowledge gained.
Really thankful to some of my friends for their encouragement that they gave.
If I'm given the chance again, I'll definitely play it well.
I guess this is life.
There goes a Chinese saying: 失败是成功之母
I've got to learn things the hard way.
Back to work tomorrow, deep down I still feel ashamed and guilt to face my boss and colleague. Sigh.
xoxo
